Full Meltdown Status

I know this is shocking, but once we had decided the venue and even TOLD them that we had decided to use their beautiful facility, I had a really hard time actually taking the steps to finalize the process. Brandy sent us the contracts, including the separate contract for her services as our coordinator, and with the contract came the part about how you have to put down 50% of the venue cost and almost all of the coordinator fees. To see those giant numbers staring me in the face, well, to say that I was overwhelmed would be a massive understatement. Massive. Those numbers are big, and they are scary, and I don't have that kind of money just sitting in a coffee can on the fridge. Who does. AND they aren't even all inclusive! There are still the vendors to consider, and food and booze could likely cost a great deal.

Excuse No. 1:

I couldn't make our printer work. True story. Suddenly, and although I had used it for several other print jobs lately, it would not cooperate. It needed magenta ink, and it wasn't going to print anything not even in grayscale - until I loaded it with magenta. Dear printer, you make no sense. However, I was grateful for the excuse to not commit at that moment.

Excuse No. 2:

I'm just so busy. Who has time to figure out how to print all those pages, sign them, address an envelope, stamp said envelope, and then - gasp - take all the time to walk out to the mailbox and put the flag up? Who has that time?! Certainly not I.

Excuse No. 3 (and the beginning of the spiral towards meltdown status):

What if we suddenly and inexplicably have to move from NC before the wedding? Would it really make sense to get married in NC? Maybe we shouldn't get married there after all. That would be crazy. Life is uncertain. Who knows what can happen.

Excuse No. 4 (full on meltdown and the exposure of the root of the issue):

HOLY SHIT WE CANNOT AFFORD TO GET MARRIED. WHAT WERE WE THINKING? DID YOU SEE HOW MUCH THIS IS GOING TO COST? YES I WANT TO MARRY YOU, BUT NO I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL. Let's elope. Wait. I don't mean that. I don't know what I mean. *tears* *tears* *tears* *tears* *sob* *sniffle* *more tears*

And then we talked. He told me that this is the most special day of our lives, that we only get to do this once and that we were doing it right. He told me, "You're worrying about the wrong shit, baby." To which I replied, "Well someone has to worry about it!" But he talked me through it, talked about how we could save in other areas to balance it out a bit better than it seemed at face value, talked about how we were already doing that. I don't even remember all that we talked about or exactly what he said, all I really remember is that even though I still felt scared about the money - terrified! - I felt like it was possible and that it was going to be okay. 

All of this in the Wal-Mart parking lot on a Tuesday evening as we sat in the truck watching people in jammie pants entering and exiting the store. Apparently people in NC wear jammie pants to Wal-Mart when it's cold out.

When we got home, we determined our budget and where that money was going to come from. He volunteered to print out the contracts at work, and the next day I called Brandy to give her the payment information and let her know the contracts were on the way.

Done and done.

I do remember one thing that he said to me that night in the truck. He told me that if I was going to worry about things to this extent, it was going to take away from how special our day was supposed to be. He's right. I don't want that to happen. This is supposed to be beautiful and special, and the whole reason we got a coordinator was to take away so many of those worries that I would surely be feeling if I was trying to do it all. It will be a challenge not to freak out. I truly see that now. But I so don't want to spoil this day - not for me, not for him, not for anyone. I want it to be memorable for all of the right reasons.

Deep breaths! 

We Picked The Venue!!!

Well, we loved Castle Ladyhawke. We really, really did. Unfortunately, it is just too much of a risk to choose the castle as our venue when it is so remotely situated and their is a possibility of the roads being snowy/icy. The deciding factor was when our tour guide admitted that while they can guarantee that their driveways and private roads will be salted and clear, they cannot guarantee the same for the roads leading in. That just scared the pants right off me. Our wedding is December 27th. It is likely that there will be snow/ice in the mountains. And even though that is what I really thought I wanted - a Winter Wonderland wedding - it isn't practical to ask folks to fly in and then drive 3.5 hours to MAYBE get to our wedding. That simply will not do.

And although we were wowed by many things about the property, it just wasn't a 100% YES for us. I never got the feeling that it was ours. I never could really envision it, not the way that I could at The Arbors.

So, after careful consideration, a few days of sleeping on it, and much conversation……

We booked The Arbors.

SO EXCITED!!!!! I can completely see it. It just feels so perfect! It's less than a half hour from our house, and we will be able to stay on the property in this sweet house attached to it. It won't be quite the same as staying in a Scottish-style castle, but it will still be amazing and beautiful. We also secured a wedding planner, which is a huge load off my mind, AND we did a full first-draft of the guest list, which tops 300.

Yes, we will be working on that. If we can get it to 100 (final headcount), then that would be a lot more feasible. The thing is, we know we will have a lot of folks who won't be able to come - but for those who CAN, we'd sure like them to be there. But what if you invite 300 knowing your space can only hold 200 (for example) and then 250 come?! What then? It would be crazy for us to have a strong turnout because our date is just after Christmas and because a good lot of the people we are inviting live in other states. But you just never know.

We are finding out that there are quite a few things that require quite a bit more thought than initially…. thought. One important thing we did was we determined our budget. I hope we are able to stick to it. In order to do that, we've got to seriously downsize our guest list. Even if we don't want to. How do people DO this?!

I never really imagined this part about getting married. I've thought a lot about different little parts of it - the music, what traditions to include, which to discard, the dress, the bridal party, the actual ceremony. But I never thought about having to determine who to invite.

Patrick wanted to put up a sign at the range that said if people wanted to come to let him know. I love that he wanted to open-invite, but I can't figure out how that would work with RSVPs and pay-by-the-head catering.

It's a good thing we still have a year to have everything (near) perfect, because every single thing seems to take quite a long time!

For now, I'm just so so soooo happy that we picked such an amazing place to get married. I cannot wait to say my vows to Patrick and to hear his in front of that beautiful fireplace with our families and friends there as witness. I can't believe I get to marry that man. I can't believe it. xo

Guests

I have all but begged my big little sister to attend the wedding. The guest list is becoming quite large, but there is a small list of those whom I really, really want to share this day with. 

My sister is on that list.

To sort of veer off and ramble for a minute: It's so strange, this phenomenon of wedding planning. Who are you really doing it for? What's truly important? Is it for you, or is it for the guests? And how many guests are you supposed to have? What's right? Who will feel left out? Would anyone? Would everyone? 

Really, if this day is for us - why does any of that matter? Anytime you do anything outside of yourself, though, people are invited to feel something about it. That's just the nature of life, right? I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling a little worried that the people I want to be there won't be there - except I didn't really realize that I wanted anyone to be there. Initially, it really was just about us. But then it became about who we want to share it with, this day that is the most special day of our lives together so far. You do want to share it. You do. I do, anyway.

I remember when I first realized how much I loved Patrick, I wanted to tell EVERYONE. I was so excited about this crazy awesome feeling and so excited that I was feeling this towards that particular person. 

Maybe it's a little bit of pride. "Look how smart I am to have fallen in love with this particular man. Isn't he best-ever?!"

Whatever it is, I want to share it. With the world, yes, but especially with the people who have been closest to me throughout my life.

395 days!

The Arbors

We ventured out this past Sunday to a beautiful venue called The Arbors. It is right here in our little part of North Carolina, only about a half hour (or less!) from where we live. I told him on the way there that I was going to fall in love with it and proclaim that it was perfect, simply because that is my style. But I asked him to please remind me not to commit to it because we had to go to Castle Ladyhawke first. I have this thing - I don't know quite how to explain it, other than to say that I fall in love with places, things, and yes, sometimes people, rather quickly. Immediately, in many cases. Patrick is much more methodical in that regard, but I jump right in with my whole heart. I love you, I love you, I love you "The Arbors." It's true. I fell in love.

We first viewed the pavilion, which was pretty, but not breathtaking. Then we went to the area that they call "the Main." It has an adorable little house with magnificent wood beam features inside. It's so wonderfully designed that I wanted to move right in. That would be where we would get ready for our big day, and we are welcome to rent the house for the weekend to prepare and also then to sleep the night of the wedding. We could even have a brunch there with the family in the nice kitchen.

Next to the house is a banquet type of facility that is just absolutely gorgeous. You walk in and there is light streaming through the many windows and there are big arches to the right made of stone. It brings stone and wood together so beautifully, and even sort of reminds me of a castle. Bonus! There is an oversized stone fireplace where we can get married in front of a roaring fire, and there is a fire pit outside for roasting  marshmallows or  keeping warm. Through the windows you can see a big pond and the forest all around. It's on 120 acres or so and is just stunning. I loved it. I did.

Next up is Castle Ladyhawke next Sunday. It's about 3.5 to 4 hours from our home, and the bar has been raised quite high. Show us what you've got, Castle Ladyhawke! Because right now I'm feeling pretty in awe of the Arbors.

This is nerve wracking! Yet thrilling! So so so so exciting!

The Hanger

I ordered a hanger for my wedding dress and received it a couple of weeks ago in the mail. It is a wooden hanger with a white bow at the hook, and suspended between the ends is my future name in a flowing cursive font.

The soft metal is bent so thoughtfully. It's beautiful and I love it.

Mrs. Topolinski.

Now I just need the dress!

Home

I have made it to North Carolina, and I have settled in quite quickly. It seems that the last time I was here, it became home. And I really didn't notice - until I returned this time and finally felt at home. Like, for real. None of that saying it and not meaning it stuff. This is home.

Part of it is probably that all of my things have arrived, and now our kitchen is completely assembled to include everything I could possibly need to make dinners and desserts and breakfasts and everything in between. Cooking and baking has a way of making a place feel like home, doesn't it?

But really? Mr. Topolinski is what makes this home. No amount of material goods or homey-type kitchen duties could make my heart feel the way it does when we are standing together, heart to heart, in the middle of what we now consider "our house."

He called me his wife the other day. I heard him. It was unmistakable, and I swear to you, it was accompanied by strains of Mendelssohn, or perhaps Wagner. :)

Another Castle

A long time ago, in a land that seems oh-so-far away, I started researching castles in the United States where you can get married. Well, I'm pretty sure I stumbled across Castle Ladyhawke, "A taste of Europe in the North Carolina Highlands," but I had kind of forgotten about it by the time there was actually a wedding to plan - probably because at the point when I was researching wedding venues, I really wasn't thinking it was ever going to happen. Oh ye of little faith. Now I feel a little ashamed for ever having doubt. As I look at this gorgeous, well thought-out, carefully chosen ring and the enormous promise of forever and ever that came with it, I wonder how I could have missed the signs. To be honest: the words were there, but it seemed too good to be true. Silly me. Look where life is taking me - no, us - now.

Anyway, so I re-stumbled upon Castle Ladyhawke, and we are going to take a tour in December! It's about 3 1/2 hours from our house in NC, and I'm very excited because it is the first venue that we actually have (so far) agreed wholly upon. We are both quite interested, and that is super super super exciting. It's the most possible of all possibilities so far.

The venue looks so beautiful, and you can actually stay in the castle. There is also lodging on the property, a sort of village, for some of the guests to stay as well. It seems really neat, but we will have to see what happens. If this isn't it, there will be another special place for us. It's just a matter of finding it. Funny how this was almost right under our noses!

On Becoming

I thought for a long time about what I wanted to name this blog. I've started more than one blog in my lifetime, and each time it feels like I'm bringing a child into this world. What will it become? Who will it be when it grows up? What is its purpose? Will there ever be a final entry, or will I leave it open to grow some more? I never know at the beginning, and that gives both a sense of freedom and pressure. I've gone back and deleted entire blogs, wiped the pages clean without saving a one of them. I've also gone back years later and cringed at words I wish I would have wiped away. It is what it is, though. They were my thoughts at one time, and whether or not I kept them or erased them was my decision. There was a always a reason.

I believe that the truest purpose - for me - when it comes to blogs is journaling. I have kept a journal of some sort since I was probably right about 13 years old. It started with spiral bound notebooks, and I have a HUGE stack packed away to eventually join me in North Carolina. I'd start them and get bored with the color or my penmanship or the content (or my life, really) and then I'd stop abruptly, leaving half a notebook or so of blank pages. There are loads of blank pages in that huge stack of notebooks. Loads. I'm not sure what this says about me - or if I even want to know, really. Yet. Maybe someday.

When the internet became "a thing," I loved that I had a place to quickly and easily keep my thoughts. I can type a lot quicker than I can write, and the thoughts really flow when you can pound keys instead of scribbling in a frenzy. And... okay. There is some weird sort of enjoyment, too, in thinking that someone else is reading your private thoughts. It really is sort of vain. I accept that.

I have done some soul searching over why I really like blogging though, and I think it comes down to this: honesty and accountability. It's more than simply sharing. It's about a) being truthful with myself, b) being truthful with others, c) bringing the thoughts out of my head so that I can examine them and determine if they are healthy and productive, and d) owning up to those thoughts, both good and bad. I am who I am and I am where I am because of my own thoughts and the actions that came from them. I own that. Aside from those moments where the delete key got hold of me, I have written proof  - so I have to own it.

Anyway. The name of the blog. It all starts with the name, and in this case I chose "Becoming Mrs. Topolinski." I feel that there is some clarification required, though. That fact alone may cause some to question my choice of title; however, I really LIKE the title. I don't want to change it. And because I don't have to deal with an editor's opinion in this forum, the title stays - but with this footnote:

**I'm not really "becoming" anything. I'm still going to be me. Marrying Patrick isn't going to result in a whole new me. I'm not changing how I deal with people, what I think, how I look, where I choose to let my mind wander, my favorite color, my taste in music/art/food/friends, my adoration of chocolate chip cookies, or my general disposition.

I am marrying the man I love and taking his name, but I'll still be me. He loves me for who I am. Equally as important: I love me for who I am, too. It was a lot of work to get to where I am today, and I'm not done yet. I continue to learn and grow, and sometimes I backslide and make super dumb decisions. But I'm always this girl right here, whether my surname is Rice, Wade, or Topolinski.

Finding the Venue

Not so easy. I have a vision. This is what I see:

A castle. Perhaps a lodge. Snow. Twinkle lights. Fireworks. Patrick. Me. The girls. A white dress. A small group of people we love. A short, meaningful ceremony. Light food. Cupcakes. Smiles. Laughter. Quiet background music. Connecting. Tons of pictures. A very nice night that is more of a wonderful party than a traditional wedding reception.

Ideas we've tossed around:

Castle Farms in Charlevoix, Michigan (my No. 1)
Northern Minnesota (his No. 1)
Destination wedding, Ireland
Destination wedding, Alaska
North Carolina (easiest)

My reason for wanting to get married in Michigan is simple: his family is there. Plus, it's just unbelievably beautiful there in the winter. And, well, all year long. It's a place that touched my heart, and I was overwhelmed by seeing Patrick in his element last year. I saw a side to him that I had never seen before. He welcomed me fully into his world, and that was monumental. Okay, maybe my reasons for wanting to get married there aren't so simple.

Castle Farms is beautiful, though. It seems perfect on the one hand with its location and unique beauty. On the other hand - it does seem a bit fancy. It's a little outside of what would accurately reflect who we are.

One place we both really like is The Lodge at Brainerd Lakes in Baxter, Minn. We have stayed there multiple times so we know we like it and are comfortable there. It definitely fits who we are. It's a little out of the way, but it's pretty and in a part of the country that we love. Plus.....

*Minnesota is where he first told me he loves me*

There is magic there for us, and there always has been. It seems like every year our happiest moments are made there.

This could be it, and we both agree it's a possibility (ah! one we agree on!). I have information from two places in Michigan and have requested information from The Lodge in Minnesota. Time for pondering and discussing!

474 days to go!

Setting the Date

After careful consideration, we set the date today. 

The Topolinski Wedding & Celebration

Saturday

December 27, 2014

475 days and counting! 

It Sinks In

Today is Saturday, September 7, 2013. I woke up early to make my Patrick breakfast before he left for work. After breakfast he helped me clean up and then, as often happens, we ended up in the middle of the kitchen wrapped in each other's arms. No words for a while. Just us.

And then he started talking. I won't share his words here because they are my treasures, mine alone, that I will keep always in my heart - but just know that they were beautiful and shiny and sprinkled with glitter and they smelled like roses and cookies and clean laundry. They made my heart feel SUPER big. You know that feeling: It feels so ginormous that it's as though your heart is trying to escape your body, pushing against your chest and your throat and making the back of your eyes burn. My big giant forehead vein was on full display, I'm sure. Yeah, it was THAT awesome.

When I met Patrick, he was convinced he would be happy as a bachelor for the rest of his life. Just like his Uncle Joe, who died in his 90s alone and perfectly content. Patrick hadn't pictured himself married to anyone, ever. He was just fine with that, until sometime in the past three years he realized he wanted to be with me for longer than a season or two (or even three) of drag racing.

Contrary to the ideologies of the earlier versions of myself, I have come to believe that falling in love - real, true, honest to God love - happens over time. Acknowledging that you're there is another story, especially for someone as logical as my future husband who found the very concept of love irrational. But he did fall in love with me, and I know exactly when his moment of realization occurred. That, however, is a story for another day.

The magnitude of where we are hit me today when he wrapped his arms around me and gifted me with those precious words today in the kitchen. I mean, it really hit me. I didn't cry when he proposed. I giggled, nervous and excited, and then I happily agreed that yes, I wanted to spend the rest of my life by his side as his wife. But today, today I listened to his tender words that I know he has never spoken to another, and I am struck by how much I love this man, and how very, very real this is. We aren't playing house, this isn't a fun little game of "let's pretend like we're grown-ups." This is it. This is forever. We found it. Out of all of the people on this earth, God chose ME as Patrick's partner for life.

I am fairly certain that I'm the luckiest girl on earth.

The Name Change

My maiden name was Kelly (Renee) Rice.

That name now belongs to my brother's wife, Kelly (Rita) Rice, which is the main reason I didn't revert to that moniker after The Big D (divorce..... such an ugly word. But sometimes oh-so-necessary).

For the past 22 years, I have been Kelly Wade. I will admit that it's a fun name. People love it. No one ever just calls me Kelly, it's always KellyWade, three syllables that roll off the tongue so easily - yet just freakin' make me twitch. Some friends have shortened it to a catchy and cute KDubs, KDub, or simply Dub. Others call me Wade. When I posted on Facebook - because it isn't official until it's on Facebook - that I was going to have the privilege of marrying Patrick Topolinski, one friend asked me if they could still call me Kelly Wade.

Um, no.

I get to be Kelly Topolinski, and let me tell you, I'm owning it. The day that I started this blog, I secured kellytopolinski@gmail.com to use as my future email address. I logged in and nervously typed in the desired name thinking this: NO ONE BETTER HAVE MY NAME! IT'S MINE!! MINE!!!! ALL MINE, I TELL YOU!!!!  Kelly Topolinski cannot have an email address that includes her (soon to be) former name. That just doesn't feel right.

For now, I am still technically Kelly Wade. But if I ease you into this Kelly Topolinski business, maybe it won't be quite so confusing later. Right?

Right.

The Question

August 29, 2013 - 10:15 pm
St. Elmo's Steak House, Indianapolis

Patrick had the ring for nearly two months before he asked me to marry him, and I had no idea he was planning to propose. A girl hopes and dreams - that's what we do because we're girls - but really, I had no clue it was coming. My future husband is a sneaky little devil! But in the best possible way.

I've been in love with this man for a long time, but I've loved him even longer. I know that sounds strange because for most of my life, I thought "in love" and "love" were one and the same. And I suppose the phrase "for a long time" is relative. I've loved him since I realized who he was and how he thinks and what matters in his life. I've loved his strength and intelligence and logic. I've loved his height and stature and eyes and gigantic smile. The falling in love was gradual, if I'm going to be honest (with both you and myself), and it probably took over a year before I felt it truly, madly, deeply.

Our relationship really doesn't fit the mold. It was not love at first sight, but there was attraction, mutual appreciation, honesty and, consequently, respect.

Truth be told, and I've told this truth over and over to whomever would listen: I kinda had to chase him. He's a very intelligent man, however. He knew what he was doing. If it weren't for the chase, I'm not sure we would be where we are today: About to be Mr. and Mrs. Patrick Topolinski, forever and ever. His careful navigation through the early days of our friendship and then our relationship paved the way for a level of trust and a deep appreciation for one another that I did not know was possible. Patrick was my closest ally when my world fell apart in more ways than one, and he encouraged me to date after my divorce, meet new people, and try new things. I dated. I met people. I tried new things. And he was a constant source of support throughout the process as I discovered who I was and what I wanted in life and love. Turns out I really did want him, it wasn't just a rebound or a new relationship to jump into so that I wasn't alone. By the time we committed to one another, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be his wife. He is my perfect match in every way.

Our first kiss was, literally, the best kiss of my life. It was so charged with emotion and electricity that I actually saw sparkles. Then, in August of 2010, at Ike's restaurant in the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, Patrick told me for the very first time that he loves me. It was the most amazing moment, complete with a well-timed delivery of fresh-from-the-oven chocolate chip cookies - I kid you not.

Three years later, he took me to St. Elmo's in downtown Indianapolis for the finest steak dinner and spicy shrimp cocktail money could buy. Just as I finished my creme brulee and he his chocolate cake that should have been cheesecake (don't ask), he pulled out a ring and put it on my finger. While looking me directly in the eye, he said this:

"I never want to be without you. I love you so much. Will you marry me?"

I had only dreamed of hearing him say those words. It had been my wish every time I saw a shooting star or watched the clock click over to 11:11. It was exactly what I wanted.

And so I laughed. And then I laughed some more. And then I questioned my hearing, reality, and my sanity and so I said, "Wait. What?" The absurdity of my own question only made me laugh harder until he smiled with those gorgeous eyes and said, "What's the answer?"

The answer is (drumroll, please)........

Yes.

Yes, my sweet, wonderful, charming, handsome, manly, dreamy Patrick. The answer is yes. Yes, I will  marry you before God and the most important people in our lives. Yes, I will be your wife. Yes, I will live all of my life by your side. Yes, I will love you through sickness and health until death do us part. Yes. Oh, yes.




1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Another Blog

Does the world really need another blog?

No, but I do.

So I guess the intent behind what seems to be a self-promoting, narcissistic collection of spewed-forth thoughts is actually a concerted effort to maintain some level of sanity and as much clarity (and, hopefully, dignity) as possible while planning the biggest event of our lives. Although this is my second marriage, it will be my first and last wedding - and Patrick's, too.

Side note: Eloping to Las Vegas isn't always effective in the long run. Trust me, I know.

I want to do this right. I want to think things through every step of the way. I want to remain rational. I want to have the wedding of my dreams - the perfect mixture of traditional and unconventional.

I most certainly do not want to ever, EVER, let the planning and the dreaming and the wishing and the insane amount of money that it will surely cost come between us. Because really, that's just plain dumb. The Great Topolinski Wedding is about kicking off our happily ever after with a loving promise of commitment and a bad ass party. It's as simple as that.

I will let this blog serve as documentation for this journey, and I hope to be able to reflect back as needed to remain centered and grounded.

Count this blog as my personalized anti-Bridezilla vaccine. (You're welcome, Patrick).