Full Meltdown Status

I know this is shocking, but once we had decided the venue and even TOLD them that we had decided to use their beautiful facility, I had a really hard time actually taking the steps to finalize the process. Brandy sent us the contracts, including the separate contract for her services as our coordinator, and with the contract came the part about how you have to put down 50% of the venue cost and almost all of the coordinator fees. To see those giant numbers staring me in the face, well, to say that I was overwhelmed would be a massive understatement. Massive. Those numbers are big, and they are scary, and I don't have that kind of money just sitting in a coffee can on the fridge. Who does. AND they aren't even all inclusive! There are still the vendors to consider, and food and booze could likely cost a great deal.

Excuse No. 1:

I couldn't make our printer work. True story. Suddenly, and although I had used it for several other print jobs lately, it would not cooperate. It needed magenta ink, and it wasn't going to print anything not even in grayscale - until I loaded it with magenta. Dear printer, you make no sense. However, I was grateful for the excuse to not commit at that moment.

Excuse No. 2:

I'm just so busy. Who has time to figure out how to print all those pages, sign them, address an envelope, stamp said envelope, and then - gasp - take all the time to walk out to the mailbox and put the flag up? Who has that time?! Certainly not I.

Excuse No. 3 (and the beginning of the spiral towards meltdown status):

What if we suddenly and inexplicably have to move from NC before the wedding? Would it really make sense to get married in NC? Maybe we shouldn't get married there after all. That would be crazy. Life is uncertain. Who knows what can happen.

Excuse No. 4 (full on meltdown and the exposure of the root of the issue):

HOLY SHIT WE CANNOT AFFORD TO GET MARRIED. WHAT WERE WE THINKING? DID YOU SEE HOW MUCH THIS IS GOING TO COST? YES I WANT TO MARRY YOU, BUT NO I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL. Let's elope. Wait. I don't mean that. I don't know what I mean. *tears* *tears* *tears* *tears* *sob* *sniffle* *more tears*

And then we talked. He told me that this is the most special day of our lives, that we only get to do this once and that we were doing it right. He told me, "You're worrying about the wrong shit, baby." To which I replied, "Well someone has to worry about it!" But he talked me through it, talked about how we could save in other areas to balance it out a bit better than it seemed at face value, talked about how we were already doing that. I don't even remember all that we talked about or exactly what he said, all I really remember is that even though I still felt scared about the money - terrified! - I felt like it was possible and that it was going to be okay. 

All of this in the Wal-Mart parking lot on a Tuesday evening as we sat in the truck watching people in jammie pants entering and exiting the store. Apparently people in NC wear jammie pants to Wal-Mart when it's cold out.

When we got home, we determined our budget and where that money was going to come from. He volunteered to print out the contracts at work, and the next day I called Brandy to give her the payment information and let her know the contracts were on the way.

Done and done.

I do remember one thing that he said to me that night in the truck. He told me that if I was going to worry about things to this extent, it was going to take away from how special our day was supposed to be. He's right. I don't want that to happen. This is supposed to be beautiful and special, and the whole reason we got a coordinator was to take away so many of those worries that I would surely be feeling if I was trying to do it all. It will be a challenge not to freak out. I truly see that now. But I so don't want to spoil this day - not for me, not for him, not for anyone. I want it to be memorable for all of the right reasons.

Deep breaths!