On Becoming

I thought for a long time about what I wanted to name this blog. I've started more than one blog in my lifetime, and each time it feels like I'm bringing a child into this world. What will it become? Who will it be when it grows up? What is its purpose? Will there ever be a final entry, or will I leave it open to grow some more? I never know at the beginning, and that gives both a sense of freedom and pressure. I've gone back and deleted entire blogs, wiped the pages clean without saving a one of them. I've also gone back years later and cringed at words I wish I would have wiped away. It is what it is, though. They were my thoughts at one time, and whether or not I kept them or erased them was my decision. There was a always a reason.

I believe that the truest purpose - for me - when it comes to blogs is journaling. I have kept a journal of some sort since I was probably right about 13 years old. It started with spiral bound notebooks, and I have a HUGE stack packed away to eventually join me in North Carolina. I'd start them and get bored with the color or my penmanship or the content (or my life, really) and then I'd stop abruptly, leaving half a notebook or so of blank pages. There are loads of blank pages in that huge stack of notebooks. Loads. I'm not sure what this says about me - or if I even want to know, really. Yet. Maybe someday.

When the internet became "a thing," I loved that I had a place to quickly and easily keep my thoughts. I can type a lot quicker than I can write, and the thoughts really flow when you can pound keys instead of scribbling in a frenzy. And... okay. There is some weird sort of enjoyment, too, in thinking that someone else is reading your private thoughts. It really is sort of vain. I accept that.

I have done some soul searching over why I really like blogging though, and I think it comes down to this: honesty and accountability. It's more than simply sharing. It's about a) being truthful with myself, b) being truthful with others, c) bringing the thoughts out of my head so that I can examine them and determine if they are healthy and productive, and d) owning up to those thoughts, both good and bad. I am who I am and I am where I am because of my own thoughts and the actions that came from them. I own that. Aside from those moments where the delete key got hold of me, I have written proof  - so I have to own it.

Anyway. The name of the blog. It all starts with the name, and in this case I chose "Becoming Mrs. Topolinski." I feel that there is some clarification required, though. That fact alone may cause some to question my choice of title; however, I really LIKE the title. I don't want to change it. And because I don't have to deal with an editor's opinion in this forum, the title stays - but with this footnote:

**I'm not really "becoming" anything. I'm still going to be me. Marrying Patrick isn't going to result in a whole new me. I'm not changing how I deal with people, what I think, how I look, where I choose to let my mind wander, my favorite color, my taste in music/art/food/friends, my adoration of chocolate chip cookies, or my general disposition.

I am marrying the man I love and taking his name, but I'll still be me. He loves me for who I am. Equally as important: I love me for who I am, too. It was a lot of work to get to where I am today, and I'm not done yet. I continue to learn and grow, and sometimes I backslide and make super dumb decisions. But I'm always this girl right here, whether my surname is Rice, Wade, or Topolinski.