Full Meltdown Status

I know this is shocking, but once we had decided the venue and even TOLD them that we had decided to use their beautiful facility, I had a really hard time actually taking the steps to finalize the process. Brandy sent us the contracts, including the separate contract for her services as our coordinator, and with the contract came the part about how you have to put down 50% of the venue cost and almost all of the coordinator fees. To see those giant numbers staring me in the face, well, to say that I was overwhelmed would be a massive understatement. Massive. Those numbers are big, and they are scary, and I don't have that kind of money just sitting in a coffee can on the fridge. Who does. AND they aren't even all inclusive! There are still the vendors to consider, and food and booze could likely cost a great deal.

Excuse No. 1:

I couldn't make our printer work. True story. Suddenly, and although I had used it for several other print jobs lately, it would not cooperate. It needed magenta ink, and it wasn't going to print anything not even in grayscale - until I loaded it with magenta. Dear printer, you make no sense. However, I was grateful for the excuse to not commit at that moment.

Excuse No. 2:

I'm just so busy. Who has time to figure out how to print all those pages, sign them, address an envelope, stamp said envelope, and then - gasp - take all the time to walk out to the mailbox and put the flag up? Who has that time?! Certainly not I.

Excuse No. 3 (and the beginning of the spiral towards meltdown status):

What if we suddenly and inexplicably have to move from NC before the wedding? Would it really make sense to get married in NC? Maybe we shouldn't get married there after all. That would be crazy. Life is uncertain. Who knows what can happen.

Excuse No. 4 (full on meltdown and the exposure of the root of the issue):

HOLY SHIT WE CANNOT AFFORD TO GET MARRIED. WHAT WERE WE THINKING? DID YOU SEE HOW MUCH THIS IS GOING TO COST? YES I WANT TO MARRY YOU, BUT NO I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL. Let's elope. Wait. I don't mean that. I don't know what I mean. *tears* *tears* *tears* *tears* *sob* *sniffle* *more tears*

And then we talked. He told me that this is the most special day of our lives, that we only get to do this once and that we were doing it right. He told me, "You're worrying about the wrong shit, baby." To which I replied, "Well someone has to worry about it!" But he talked me through it, talked about how we could save in other areas to balance it out a bit better than it seemed at face value, talked about how we were already doing that. I don't even remember all that we talked about or exactly what he said, all I really remember is that even though I still felt scared about the money - terrified! - I felt like it was possible and that it was going to be okay. 

All of this in the Wal-Mart parking lot on a Tuesday evening as we sat in the truck watching people in jammie pants entering and exiting the store. Apparently people in NC wear jammie pants to Wal-Mart when it's cold out.

When we got home, we determined our budget and where that money was going to come from. He volunteered to print out the contracts at work, and the next day I called Brandy to give her the payment information and let her know the contracts were on the way.

Done and done.

I do remember one thing that he said to me that night in the truck. He told me that if I was going to worry about things to this extent, it was going to take away from how special our day was supposed to be. He's right. I don't want that to happen. This is supposed to be beautiful and special, and the whole reason we got a coordinator was to take away so many of those worries that I would surely be feeling if I was trying to do it all. It will be a challenge not to freak out. I truly see that now. But I so don't want to spoil this day - not for me, not for him, not for anyone. I want it to be memorable for all of the right reasons.

Deep breaths! 

We Picked The Venue!!!

Well, we loved Castle Ladyhawke. We really, really did. Unfortunately, it is just too much of a risk to choose the castle as our venue when it is so remotely situated and their is a possibility of the roads being snowy/icy. The deciding factor was when our tour guide admitted that while they can guarantee that their driveways and private roads will be salted and clear, they cannot guarantee the same for the roads leading in. That just scared the pants right off me. Our wedding is December 27th. It is likely that there will be snow/ice in the mountains. And even though that is what I really thought I wanted - a Winter Wonderland wedding - it isn't practical to ask folks to fly in and then drive 3.5 hours to MAYBE get to our wedding. That simply will not do.

And although we were wowed by many things about the property, it just wasn't a 100% YES for us. I never got the feeling that it was ours. I never could really envision it, not the way that I could at The Arbors.

So, after careful consideration, a few days of sleeping on it, and much conversation……

We booked The Arbors.

SO EXCITED!!!!! I can completely see it. It just feels so perfect! It's less than a half hour from our house, and we will be able to stay on the property in this sweet house attached to it. It won't be quite the same as staying in a Scottish-style castle, but it will still be amazing and beautiful. We also secured a wedding planner, which is a huge load off my mind, AND we did a full first-draft of the guest list, which tops 300.

Yes, we will be working on that. If we can get it to 100 (final headcount), then that would be a lot more feasible. The thing is, we know we will have a lot of folks who won't be able to come - but for those who CAN, we'd sure like them to be there. But what if you invite 300 knowing your space can only hold 200 (for example) and then 250 come?! What then? It would be crazy for us to have a strong turnout because our date is just after Christmas and because a good lot of the people we are inviting live in other states. But you just never know.

We are finding out that there are quite a few things that require quite a bit more thought than initially…. thought. One important thing we did was we determined our budget. I hope we are able to stick to it. In order to do that, we've got to seriously downsize our guest list. Even if we don't want to. How do people DO this?!

I never really imagined this part about getting married. I've thought a lot about different little parts of it - the music, what traditions to include, which to discard, the dress, the bridal party, the actual ceremony. But I never thought about having to determine who to invite.

Patrick wanted to put up a sign at the range that said if people wanted to come to let him know. I love that he wanted to open-invite, but I can't figure out how that would work with RSVPs and pay-by-the-head catering.

It's a good thing we still have a year to have everything (near) perfect, because every single thing seems to take quite a long time!

For now, I'm just so so soooo happy that we picked such an amazing place to get married. I cannot wait to say my vows to Patrick and to hear his in front of that beautiful fireplace with our families and friends there as witness. I can't believe I get to marry that man. I can't believe it. xo

Guests

I have all but begged my big little sister to attend the wedding. The guest list is becoming quite large, but there is a small list of those whom I really, really want to share this day with. 

My sister is on that list.

To sort of veer off and ramble for a minute: It's so strange, this phenomenon of wedding planning. Who are you really doing it for? What's truly important? Is it for you, or is it for the guests? And how many guests are you supposed to have? What's right? Who will feel left out? Would anyone? Would everyone? 

Really, if this day is for us - why does any of that matter? Anytime you do anything outside of yourself, though, people are invited to feel something about it. That's just the nature of life, right? I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling a little worried that the people I want to be there won't be there - except I didn't really realize that I wanted anyone to be there. Initially, it really was just about us. But then it became about who we want to share it with, this day that is the most special day of our lives together so far. You do want to share it. You do. I do, anyway.

I remember when I first realized how much I loved Patrick, I wanted to tell EVERYONE. I was so excited about this crazy awesome feeling and so excited that I was feeling this towards that particular person. 

Maybe it's a little bit of pride. "Look how smart I am to have fallen in love with this particular man. Isn't he best-ever?!"

Whatever it is, I want to share it. With the world, yes, but especially with the people who have been closest to me throughout my life.

395 days!

The Arbors

We ventured out this past Sunday to a beautiful venue called The Arbors. It is right here in our little part of North Carolina, only about a half hour (or less!) from where we live. I told him on the way there that I was going to fall in love with it and proclaim that it was perfect, simply because that is my style. But I asked him to please remind me not to commit to it because we had to go to Castle Ladyhawke first. I have this thing - I don't know quite how to explain it, other than to say that I fall in love with places, things, and yes, sometimes people, rather quickly. Immediately, in many cases. Patrick is much more methodical in that regard, but I jump right in with my whole heart. I love you, I love you, I love you "The Arbors." It's true. I fell in love.

We first viewed the pavilion, which was pretty, but not breathtaking. Then we went to the area that they call "the Main." It has an adorable little house with magnificent wood beam features inside. It's so wonderfully designed that I wanted to move right in. That would be where we would get ready for our big day, and we are welcome to rent the house for the weekend to prepare and also then to sleep the night of the wedding. We could even have a brunch there with the family in the nice kitchen.

Next to the house is a banquet type of facility that is just absolutely gorgeous. You walk in and there is light streaming through the many windows and there are big arches to the right made of stone. It brings stone and wood together so beautifully, and even sort of reminds me of a castle. Bonus! There is an oversized stone fireplace where we can get married in front of a roaring fire, and there is a fire pit outside for roasting  marshmallows or  keeping warm. Through the windows you can see a big pond and the forest all around. It's on 120 acres or so and is just stunning. I loved it. I did.

Next up is Castle Ladyhawke next Sunday. It's about 3.5 to 4 hours from our home, and the bar has been raised quite high. Show us what you've got, Castle Ladyhawke! Because right now I'm feeling pretty in awe of the Arbors.

This is nerve wracking! Yet thrilling! So so so so exciting!

The Hanger

I ordered a hanger for my wedding dress and received it a couple of weeks ago in the mail. It is a wooden hanger with a white bow at the hook, and suspended between the ends is my future name in a flowing cursive font.

The soft metal is bent so thoughtfully. It's beautiful and I love it.

Mrs. Topolinski.

Now I just need the dress!

Home

I have made it to North Carolina, and I have settled in quite quickly. It seems that the last time I was here, it became home. And I really didn't notice - until I returned this time and finally felt at home. Like, for real. None of that saying it and not meaning it stuff. This is home.

Part of it is probably that all of my things have arrived, and now our kitchen is completely assembled to include everything I could possibly need to make dinners and desserts and breakfasts and everything in between. Cooking and baking has a way of making a place feel like home, doesn't it?

But really? Mr. Topolinski is what makes this home. No amount of material goods or homey-type kitchen duties could make my heart feel the way it does when we are standing together, heart to heart, in the middle of what we now consider "our house."

He called me his wife the other day. I heard him. It was unmistakable, and I swear to you, it was accompanied by strains of Mendelssohn, or perhaps Wagner. :)

Another Castle

A long time ago, in a land that seems oh-so-far away, I started researching castles in the United States where you can get married. Well, I'm pretty sure I stumbled across Castle Ladyhawke, "A taste of Europe in the North Carolina Highlands," but I had kind of forgotten about it by the time there was actually a wedding to plan - probably because at the point when I was researching wedding venues, I really wasn't thinking it was ever going to happen. Oh ye of little faith. Now I feel a little ashamed for ever having doubt. As I look at this gorgeous, well thought-out, carefully chosen ring and the enormous promise of forever and ever that came with it, I wonder how I could have missed the signs. To be honest: the words were there, but it seemed too good to be true. Silly me. Look where life is taking me - no, us - now.

Anyway, so I re-stumbled upon Castle Ladyhawke, and we are going to take a tour in December! It's about 3 1/2 hours from our house in NC, and I'm very excited because it is the first venue that we actually have (so far) agreed wholly upon. We are both quite interested, and that is super super super exciting. It's the most possible of all possibilities so far.

The venue looks so beautiful, and you can actually stay in the castle. There is also lodging on the property, a sort of village, for some of the guests to stay as well. It seems really neat, but we will have to see what happens. If this isn't it, there will be another special place for us. It's just a matter of finding it. Funny how this was almost right under our noses!